Maintaining pace with life!!

Today, reminded me of my childhood days.  The day went very slowly and peacefully.  The beautiful weather and immobility of limbs due to fever has helped me a lot to relax. I said to myself, yes I have slowed down.  All these years I was just whirling like the wind, my life had become so hectic that I forgot to see and enjoy the smallest things in life. All my decisions were very bold.  I was stubborn and never agreed to take a back step.  Always forward looking and believed in being engaged in multiple things all the time.  At a time, I worked on multiple projects though each project was different in its approach and was from a different sector. I had targets and goals to achieve.  I never said no to any work.   I could work for 18 hours a day. Be it the most important personal engagement, I found very little time as these were viewed as trivial. I am doing something big was my outlook. Despite, this go-get it outlook, I experienced both satisfaction and dissatisfaction at the same time. I was enforcing myself to be happy all the time.   When I do the work myself I had a sense of achievement.  But on the other hand, when I shared the work with my colleagues I used to feel frustrated and would rework on the whole project again.  I used to get a bit agitated.  My expectations were very different and I was assuming my ideas to be very superior.  I could get done only repetitive jobs more successfully through others and nothing related to the final output and deliverables.  Now I understand how small others would have felt seeing my agitation. 

By being busy I missed out on many joys.  I was feeling pressure from my children for small things though they were not so demanding.  I missed visiting my dad during the most crucial moments.  I kept on complaining on the demands on my time.  I never hesitated to get up in the midnight and attempted to write reports.  What did I achieve finally?  I did not make huge money, nor I earned the goodwill of my colleagues nor I got great appreciation from my clients.  While I focused more on deliverables, I let lose finances.  This resulted in much losses.  Vendor payments got piled up.  It had become harder to recover from them.  I had to borrow loans to meet my daily expenditure.  Being obsessed with quality, did not allow me to look at the operations part.

With all these I never felt I lost track. I still had justification to do what I am doing. Even now, I don’t regret on my attitude. May be I am more protective of my self-esteem.  Even now I have a tendency to rush and do many things at a time.  One of my teachers said, you can do multitasking but you cannot work with muti-focus.   I still don’t know.  When health hit badly, I had no other alternative than to go at a pace slower than my regimental style. But accepting to take a shift in the thinking and the style was no easy.  I had to slow down.  I had to make proper choice in the projects I took. The brakes were applied not at once. It had happened over the last quarter.  I feel more relaxed now.  I have taken things as they come. I now feel I am in the flow.  Finding more happiness in everything in life and in every relationship.